I have been married to my husband
I married him because I thought that he was a good Muslim brother who cared about spreading ISlam and helping to raise the Kalimah of Allah -swt- by helping Muslims
I wanted to break off the marriage when we were still engaged about 4 years ago because he was saying mean things to me, hurting my feelings, and emotionally abusive.
But he promised that after we got married he would be nice to me and that his harshness was the result of him having a bad job.
Since Muslims are supposed to keep their promises, I believed and trusted him, and agreed to marry him.
Since being married, he has gotten worse and has been physically abusive, even punching me and choking me.
My parents finally found out about 8 months ago. I left him to my parents house at that time for a few weeks. They convinced me that i should give him another chance because any other man i would marry would probably be even worse. They say that all of the other divorced women end up with worse husbands and situations.
He came back apologizing and promising to change his ways of saying hurtful things, being picky, and to stop the abuse. The agreemant was that I would go back to him to see if he really has changed.
After going back to him, he only changed for a short while.
He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He has been physically abusive to a small degree. He has pushed me lightly and smacked me lightly.
Since this is how his abuse started when we first got married from light to harder and harder, I decided a couple of months later that he has not changed and told my parents that.
We ask Allaah to help you cope with the calamities that have
befallen you, and to grant you the reward of those who are patient, for He
is Most Generous, Most Kind.
The husband should realize that he is a shepherd and is
responsible for his flock. Allaah has enjoined upon him to treat them in a
good and proper manner and to treat his family kindly. Our Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the
one who is best towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my
wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh
by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 3314). Part of that good and
kind treatment means not beating one’s wife in a severe manner and not
insukting or cursing her. He should realize that this is a violation of the
trust with which Allaah has entrusted him.
We have heard that many people have a hard time finding a job
by which they may earn their livelihood, and that it may take a long time to
find a suitable job. We have heard that many of these people oppress their
wives and beat them, as if they are the cause of what is happening to them.
It is as if they use this situation to justify their abhorrent actions.
These men have to fear Allaah and to realize that they are the ones who are
most in need of obeying Allaah and keeping away from haraam things; they
should not commit sins then justify that for themselves.
The Muslim has to realize that he is in the world of trials
and tests, so he must adorn himself with patience in bearing all the things
that happen to him in this life. He should turn to Allaah by praying to Him
to relieve him of the disasters that have befallen him, for He is the One
Who relieves worry and distress, and Who answers the prayer of the one who
has been wronged, may He be glorified and praised. Nothing is hidden from
Him and there is nothing that He is unable to do in the heavens or on earth,
to Him be praise in the beginning and at the end.
He is the most generous of those who are generous, and His
slave does not seek to draw close to Him but He is even swifter in drawing
close to His slave. Al-Bukhaari (6856) and Muslim (4832) narrated in their
Saheehs that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah says:
‘I am as My slave thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If
he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if
he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly
better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him
an arm’s length; and if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to
him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at
speed.’”
In your case, my sister, Allaah is testing you by means of a
man whose behaviour and attitude are bad. Based on what has been mentioned
in the question, it is permissible for you to ask for a divorce (this is
what is called khula’), because living with this man and anyone like him is
something that is unbearable. Perhaps Allaah will compensate you with
someone better than this man. If you cannot find another husband, then
staying without a husband in your parents’ house, where you will be cared
for and respected, will be better for you than staying with this man, so
long as you do not fear that you will be tempted or will fall into haraam
things. But if you fear that you may be tempted, then being patient and
bearing worldly troubles by staying with this man will be better for you
than having to bear the punishment of Allaah.
The reasons for which it is permissible for a woman to seek
divorce (khula’) from her husband are mentioned in Question 1859 on
this site.
And Allaah knows best.
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
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